Socialization has taught our men that expression of emotions and feelings is a sign of weakness. The demands of masculinity require that men display not only physical strength but also psychological strength. Or is it possible that the males have a different psychological makeup compared to their female counterparts? So goes the popular English saying, “Big boys don’t cry!” But is it possible that the “big boys don’t cry” phenomenon is a threat to the mental health of men? We have a serious dilemma evidenced in our day to day living, from domestic violence, alcohol and drug abuse, rape cases, suicide among other serious challenges. Can we perhaps draw a connecting line between these occurrences and “big boys don’t cry”? Allow me to unveil an “emotional illusion” created by this famous statement and its repercussion on the mental health of men.
Why men don’t cry
Neuroscience research has focused on the differences between the male and female brain and how this affects their individual behaviors. Research has found significant differences in the wiring of the male and female brain. The female brain has verbal center on both the left and the right hemispheres while the male brain has verbal center only on the left hemisphere. This has been concluded to be the reason why it is easier for women to express their feelings than for men to verbalize their feelings. Another significant finding is the flow of blood circulation to the part of the brain called the cingulate gyrus (responsible for memory processing. In females there is greater flow of blood to the cingulate gyrus while males have slightly lower blood flow. As a result women experience intense emotional reactions compared to men.
An interesting facet of our psychological makeup are the chemical mechanisms that regulate and maintain psychological balance in our system.
While there is significant evidence of differences between the male and female psychological setup, it should be realized that socialization plays a critical role in the expression of emotions and feelings. Ever heard of the nature vs nurture debate? It has been suggested that our biological makeup contributes to our behavior however the environment and upbringing has upper hand. This is evident in the case in discussion. Not all men have difficulties in expressing or verbalizing their emotions. This suggests that it is true that the environment contributes largely to our behavior.
Men are raised up by the “book of masculine laws.” According to the masculine law men are strong not only physically but also emotionally. As a result they should have power over their emotions. This social law suggests that there are motion and feelings which are feminine and some which are masculine. For example men can express the aggressive emotions like anger yet they cannot express sadness and grief. I believe that society has undermined the value of verbalizing feelings and emotions, its role in ensuring psychological wellbeing is obscure. Perhaps it will help us if we unearth the benefits of “crying” to our mental health.
I will classify crying into two categories, the physical crying and crying as a reference to verbalizing emotions. Dr. William Frey a biochemist studied tears and their role in the human body. He discovered that there are three types of tears however we are more concerned about the third type of tears named the “emotional tears. These are tears that we release as an emotional outlet, when we are sad, grieving, angry, hurt, or when we are happy and excited.
He realized that emotional tears contain traces of stress hormones in their composition. It is therefore suggested that crying helps release stress hormones from our system, hence it reduces the stress buildup. Crying has a soothing effect to the body, it helps reduce the build up of tension. One probable reason might be the fact that crying has been proven to boost up the production of endorphins, a natural painkiller and feel good hormone. Added benefits of crying are that it helps us process grief, accept grief and move on with life. Most people who do not cry when they he lost a loved one find it hard to accept reality they hold on to loss as they have internalized it. So crying helps us to externalize our feelings and come into terms with reality. Crying also helps to attract help when it is needed. You he probably discovered this in babies, they use crying to attract attention. On the other hand verbalizing emotions using words also provides amazing benefits. It provides us with self-reflection and helps reduce tension build up. AS it reduces tension it acts as a stress reliever it reduces stress ultimately helping us to regulate our emotions.
The effects of “big boys don’t cry”
If you have visited mental health institutions, you have probably noticed that a greater percentage of patients are males. This is a clear evidence of the destructive effects of the ‘big boys don’t cry’ statement. One of the causes of mental disorder is unresolved internal conflicts. When conflict is internalized and pressure builds up, individuals are highly likely to succumb to mental illness. Verbalizing emotions is a great way of relieving pressure and helps minimize stress related mental disorders. Apart from being the high percentage of mental patients, males consist a greater percentage of inmates in prisons. The reasons of crime are somehow related to the need to appear strong and able to withstand the pressures of life. The demands of society upon males is high, being considered the custodians of the family and breadwinners sometimes their load becomes overwhelming and because they have a weakness of not verbalizing emotions they succumb to the pressure. In some cases they resort to crime in order to sustain their families. However some crimes are committed out of rage or as a way of expression for example males who experienced abuse and bottled it up make the greater percentage of rape perpetrators.
Domestic violence is also another way in which males respond to depression and stress. For some alcohol and drugs become their solace as they provide a seasonal feeling of euphoria however when under the influence of these substances they may also engage in behaviors that are risky like drinking and driving , unprotected sex and some may not survive for example accidents caused by drinking and driving have claimed large number of souls. Research has proven that male cases constitute a large number of suicide cases. The mortality rate of males is also high and some research might suggest that there is a link between mortality and the failure to verbalize emotions. This is a clear indication of the mental health consequences that are driven by the ‘big boys don’t cry” notion.
Back to the drawing board
There is much to be done to improve the current status of things. The truth is that as communities we contribute to the pressure that men experience. It is our duty to correct our ideologies about masculinity. Early training on emotional literacy is critical. Boys should be taught how to express their emotions in an appropriate way. This will go a long way in reducing mental health issues in men. Setting up models for the young men is also critical, adult males should show boys that it’s ok to cry sometimes. In the family setup we can help men by keeping open channels of communication, reassuring them when they feel down. Crying is good sometimes, expressing emotions is excellent way of developing and maintaining mental health. Instead of withholding emotions find positive coping strategies for dealing with negative emotions. Stay away from negative influence ‘crying is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of mental strength’.
Big boys who cry live longer, make the right choice.
By Nqoba Sibenke
Email nqobasibenke@gmail.com
Contact +263774585937 Follow on Facebook page : Healthy minds
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